It’s 5 minutes to midnight and my stomach is turning and bad thoughts are rising. I should know by now that staying up late never does me any good. I’m at my most vulnerable, most fearful. I’m weak late at night. Weak to my own mind. Scared. But why am I so scared?
Two nights ago at dinner I asked my father if he was scared for his up and coming chemo-therapy. He scoffed out a no and I envied his bravery. I did, however, see myself in him. When you act brave, you feel brave and the scared thoughts run away for a little while. After coming home after treatment, my father ran around the house finding tasks to do. Tell me that’s not a man trying to take his mind off things? It’s hard not to notice your own habits in other people, especially family. I don’t think the scared thoughts run away, I think they just go to the back of your mind and though you are not consciously aware of them, your body still knows they’re there and maybe that’s why my stomach felt like a washing machine right now.
So what was I so scared of?
Was it the fact I had two assignments due in two days that I hadn’t started? along with the fact I had three whole days to myself to do them but instead sat in bed, aimlessly. I don’t even doubt the fact I will sit up all day Friday and finish both assignments while drinking countless coffees and maybe crying.
Or was it that in less than a week I was about to move out of home for the very first time and I’m not quite sure I’m ready? Not only that, I wasn’t even sure if I was ready for a serious relationship though it was all I ever chased after.
On that topic, was I scared that no matter how serious or ‘real’ a relationship seemed, some just ended - just like that. No explanation, no nothing. I’d seen it happen so many times, even had it happen to me WITH my current partner many years ago! That story may come up another day - I’m not even ready to delve into those memories at this hour. I will probably start youtubing sad songs and making myself cry. What a mess.
Or was it the fact that no matter how well I thought I had my life planned out or how well I thought I had set myself up, with work and with uni and every little thing in between, I still felt unfulfilled and envied those whose lives were in complete shambles but they were so damn happy about it!
Maybe when I learn to face my fears, not stay up this late, and wake up at an appropriate time in the morning this fear might go away… But until then…